The Secret of Dreams
by MoonytheMarauder1
Summary: Remus tries and tries, but he can never truly be free of himself. Warnings for graphic descriptions of an anxiety attack.


**A/N: Hey y'all! I… apologize for this level of angst. It's sorta intense.**

**Childcare Task 1: Write about someone going to a private place when things feel too much**

**Word Count: 649**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter. Those rights go to JK Rowling. **

**WARNINGS: Graphic descriptions of an anxiety attack**

**Note: This is just one example of an anxiety attack; they vary from person to person. Also, this takes place during Remus' first year.**

**Sooo many thanks to Grace, who beta-ed and helped make this accurate. **

**Enjoy!**

He couldn't _breathe_.

He knew he was supposed to be breathing—he knew he needed to regulate it—but he couldn't. He couldn't, and it was making his chest feel tighter, and tighter, and tighter—

Remus stumbled through the crowded corridors, thankful classes were over, hating himself for being thankful classes were over, and just focused on _escaping_. His amber eyes were filling with tears, and he kept his eyes cast towards the floor in order to keep anyone from noticing the fact.

It seemed to take ages before Remus reached the stairs of the Astronomy Tower. Feeling hot and constricted, he raced out into the cool night air, goosebumps erupting over his flesh. Remus ran right over to the half wall where the telescopes were positioned and gripped the stone tightly.

He felt completely pathetic. He'd thought he could handle being around this many people. He'd thought he could go to school and take advantage of the amazing opportunity being presented to him, because Merlin knew that very few werewolves ever received an education after being bitten. But he was just a boy from Wales, who lived in complete isolation. He wasn't meant to have friends or take classes with _normal people_.

It was only his first week at school, but eyes were everywhere. It was overwhelming; it was terrifying. Remus knew with the utmost certainty that he couldn't do this for nine months.

He brought his hands to his tawny hair and pulled, stretching the curls out and giving himself a headache. Logically, he knew that it was unlikely that all of his classmates were staring at him or even thought him strange. He knew that this was just a fear of his, an unfortunate result of being different.

But that didn't matter when he was called on to answer a question and everyone's eyes swiveled towards him. That didn't matter when he was in the corridors and people were bumping into him as he tried to get to class. That didn't matter when he was sitting in the Great Hall during meals, trying to block out all the excessive noise.

Nothing was familiar. Nothing was comfortable. The only thing Remus recognized from his time before Hogwarts was the pain of his transformation, which was a truly depressing thought.

Remus dropped to his knees and pressed his head against the cool stone, biting down hard on his lips. His heart kept up its frantic beating in his chest, and his breathing was still ragged. Remus closed his eyes and shook, trying to calm down. There weren't any people up here, at least. He was safe from judgemental stares and lingering laughs.

He'd become very acquainted with the Astronomy Tower as of late for these very reasons, and he both loved and hated his refuge.

He wasn't sure how long he'd been up there, but eventually his lungs were able to expand. His desperation and stress ebbed away—or lessened, at least—and gave way to quiet, but much more controlled, sobs. He slid down until his back was to the wall and his bum was resting on the floor, curling in on himself.

He didn't want to be this terrified of people. He didn't want to question every word to come out of his mouth or to be constantly wondering if people truly liked him. He just wanted to be carelessly happy, like so many of his peers seemed to be.

Remus just wanted to feel safe. But that was an impossible wish for someone like him, wasn't it?

Eventually, he slipped back down into the castle, so relieved that the corridors were empty that he forgot about the fact that he'd missed dinner. He slipped back up to his dorm room, his roommates thankfully asleep.

Remus burrowed under the heavy duvet of his bed and closed his eyes, dreaming of the day when he would be able to truly breathe.


End file.
